Rejecting Restraint

Being tied up and hating it

If you've been in the sassier side of substack for a while then you’ll know all about my joy for BDSM and being a submissive. Many of these newsletters have been sprinkled with wonderful parts of my sexuality such as my love of being peed on, restrained, smacked, degraded and slut shamed (have a cheeky look through the archives to learn more). For many years I have sunk into complete and utter tranquillity, sensorial highs and magnetic calm by submitting in these ways to another human. So you can guess how much of a surprise it was to find myself being tied up and absolutely hating it.

Thanks to my latest obsession with shibari (call it a new seasonal hobby. Last year it was parkour, this year it's rope!) I took myself off for a class to learn a complex knot that is used to restrain someone's arms behind their back and then suspend them. Dreamy, complicated and dangerous all in one tie named Gote/Takate Kote - or TK for short (see pic below).

What draws me to shibari is the language it creates between two people: somatic, sensual, communicative without words and deeply dynamic. The ties are led by the creation of tension - between the rope and between the two individuals - and playing with the tension is what creates pain, suspense and powerful manipulations of pleasure. Pairing pain with pleasure is what can tip someone submissive into a deeply happy, erotic place. And it's not pain in the smacking, whipping, flogging sense. We're talking about pain that comes from having your arms held behind your back for 15 minutes or more; an act of bondage that leaves you motionless, surrendering control and at the mercy of another human. Pain of having you finger pulled backwards while having your neck stroked, pain of hanging from the ceiling while someone tickles your toes. Dancing with the delicately woven fibres and playing with the theatrics that come with pulling, wrapping and tightening is bringing out a whole new sadistic side in me and I LOVE it.

Like most of shibari, a partner is needed (which is something that has been pretty tricky for me to find but we’ll save that for another week's newsletter). The little bunny who I've been practising with was ill so I popped along to the class solo, certain they'd be various people available for me to tie. As the workshop began I paired up with a woman who patiently let me grunt, pull, twist and curse my way through a semi-successful attempt at concocting a TK. It's been frustrating seeing how my brain glitches and turns a simple crossing over of knots into a complex mind fuckery of nonsense reminding me of chemistry classes where everything went over my head. But at least this lesson comes with a side of kink which is the only reason I persist.

After half an hour I untie my obliging partner and she asks if we can swap roles. I feel myself catch my breath with hesitancy, a little voice in my head whispers 'I don’t want to be tied' but my people pleasing trait takes over with a stream of internal thoughts. 'It only seems fair, she wants to learn too, she's paid for the class like me, we all need to help one another, I'm sure it'll be ok, let her tie you. It'll be find'. So I enthusiastically nod my head and position myself on top of a bag of rope, straddling the surface for support with my knees bent and my feet placed under my bum. My partner positions herself behind me and I lean back into her.

We begin with the usual steps. She runs one hand down my arm, grabs my hand and lifts it up behind my back. She does the same with my left arm. I breath. That wasn't so bad. But then my shoulder starts to twinges, a sharp achy pain around my muscles. I roll my neck, shift my arm back and forth as much as possible in this position and then give up. I yank my hand out of her grasp and stretch. My partner encourages me, 'Yea it's good to stretch! Probably best to warm up first.' Bless her.

We start again, arms swing back behind me and this time the rope gets tied on. I count my way to one minute, two minutes, five minutes. The rope is layering up and my focus is on closing down my eyes and resting into surrender mode - a mode that used to be my default and happen without any difficulty. But something doesn’t feel right this time. I feel a wave of nausea stirring through my body. My heart starts to beat faster, clammy panic races across my chest and my throat starts to tighten. As my temperature rises so does my fear and my thoughts cry out ‘This doesn't feel right, I'm not liking this. I want out’. I spin my head to the side, trying to catch the attention of my partner and whisper (because that's the loudest I can get my voice to go) "I don't think I can be tide".

My partner instantly starts quickly untying the ropes while checking Im ok. As the layers drop off me, my lungs breath out, expanding against my pounding heart. Within seconds of being freed I feel my energy drop. The idea of getting up from the floor makes my head spin and I have to keep swallowing back the nausea moving through my system.

It took a while for me to recover. What helped was clearly stating that I didn't want to be tied again and with the option off the table my body started to relax. The instructor supported me and explained how nausea is a common side effect for a lot of people alongside a feeling of claustrophobia and panic acting as a tale tell sign that it's not the right time to tie.

If I'm honest, I’d known from the beginning that I didn’t want to be tied (my resistance to surrendering is popping up more and more frequently) and this reminded me to listen to the quieter voice in my head, the one that knows where I’m at mentally, emotionally and often knows what’s best. In this case, my kickback to bottoming became a physical response. What I hadn’t been able to articulate with words became a cry for help from my body. It taught me, as a rigger, that you can never check too many times if someone is ok while you have their hands restrained behind their back. You can never assume because they look peaceful that they are ok, you can never know if that deep breath is arousal or a silent cry for help.

So as I get to grips with the attentive detail of shibari’s complex choreography, I wonder what changes you’ve witnessed in your own intimate lives. Maybe it’s with yourself, maybe it’s with others, maybe its in your own fantasies. The question this week are:

What do you desire?

How can you articulate a new curiosity/turn on?

When did you last speak up when something didn’t feel right (in or out of the bedroom/shibari studio)?

Sent with sassy love, as always

Bx

Ps shout out to the gorgeous Conor Aphilia or Aphilia Studio in East London - my fave spot for learning where a gorgeous emphasis is put on the kink dynamic within tying - yummy!