Above my desk is a list of dreams and desires I wrote back in 2020. A tumbling waterfall of words mapping out what I was hungry to create, to experience, to feel. It was an impromptu moment while sitting in a park on a grey, chilly day. I’ve held onto that list and pinned it up on my wall, above my desks everywhere I’ve moved acting as a little reminder of my guiding stars.
Looking through this list makes me feel a mixed bag of emotions. There’s the dreams I’ve experienced in the most magical ways that make me smile. The dream of camping under the stars with my friends came true in the middle of the Siwa oasis in Egypt where I spent the night around a campfire with two of my closest besties, being lulled to sleep by the sparkle of the galaxy.
There was the desire to live in a bright spacious studio, by myself but amongst a community of artistic opportunities. Three years ago I moved into a block of apartments and my neighbours have become some of my closest, most trusted friends. We bounce in and out of each other’s home for cups of tea, jam sessions, photoshoots, dinners, conversations about writing, performing, being artists, and their company has been life changing.
Then there’s the desires I’m still working on and holding onto with hope. To publish my own book - we all know how that’s going. Slowly. To perform The Sassy Show and have my own tour which, on reflection, I can see has been happening each time I’ve performed at festivals and parties delivering my kinky cabaret striptease. It’s not quite how I imagined it - for a long time I was applying for art residencies to develop the show for theatre but in turned out all I needed was to practise and find a kinky community who was willing to give me feedback, opportunities to learn, and get completely naked with me! Life is clever like that - so much of what we want is already at our fingertips for free.
And then there’s the ideas that still feel so far away like the underwear line! In the past five years, the closest I got to making this happen was to scour Debtford market for beautiful materials that were both stretchy and sensual - silks, lace, mesh - and then wrap the fabrics around three of my most willing friends while trying to figure out how to make a stretchy, sexy, multi functioning one piece that adapts as our bodies concertina between width, libido and comfort. I got a friend involved with an engineering background who tried to turn my patchy creations full of string and safety pins into a functioning item of clothing. She leverage straps and brought structure into the designs taking us one step closer but instead of pursue the vision, I bundled everything back into a bag and it now sits at the back of my closet waiting patiently.
One Desire that I love looking at is ‘To love my beard’. TICK. Big fucking TICK! I have joyfully grown to love my beard since first writing this list and it makes me smile every time I read it. It makes me feel amazing knowing that this desire has lifted off the page and swum it’s way into my body, diffusing my mind without effort and changing the course of my life like all of these dreams and desires do.
What’s also mega uplifting is knowing I still connect with my list. I still hold the same intentions, I still very much want all my dreams to come true. I want to cocreate love with a beautiful sassy human, to have a family together and travel, create, adventure, peacefully and joyfully. I still want to own my home and publish my book and tour the world interviewing, documenting and performing in other countries. I still want to love my heard and sing more and make music with other people. All these dreams brings a buzz of passion and excitement into my body, it makes my heart beat faster, my fingers type with more conviction and I feel the intentions seep into my spirit with enthusiasm.
Oh to be alive and to have the power to dream. In every god damn depressing development of the world today, we can loose faith, we can feel angry, we can hate life. Justifiably. But please my darlings don’t forget to dream, don’t forget to know and feel your desires, to feed your spirit with hope and miracles. I send a prayer your way, in every way possible. I send my love, I cry for you and weep, I hold you and I hope.
Sent with sassy power
Bx
Have you been watching The Sassy Show podcast?
Well babe, you should be!
It’s a hot mix of sex and body positive conversations sprinkled with kink. Each guest shares their relationship to intimacy, self-expression and conquering society's toxic traits. There’s over 120 audible episodes in the archives for you to tune into. Find us on your listening platform here.
Shout out to my delightful giggle monster co-host Asha, aka Pat Elle who I record with once a month for our sister episode Forever Adulting. Between the two of us we overshare, dissect, and dive deep into the messy, magical world of adulting. Because let's be honest, we're all just figuring it out! There’s seven episodes for you to indulge in over on YouTube channel so come have a cheeky giggle and contemplate with us.
Are you coming to Pinky Promise Festival in Berlin this July? If yes, then join Asha and myself on the Sunday morning where we’ll be guiding you through the playful dance of Slow Seduction. Tasty delights await honeypies!