The Weight of Childbearing
and panicking about pregnancy
I woke up this morning, checked my calendar, and realised my period was three days late. In the space of twelve hours I have overthought every possible scenario of pregnancy. And tho 12 hours was far too long, I’m happy to say my period finally decided to arrive. Panic over. The faint appearance of blood on the tissue let me breathe out a sigh of relief. I burst out into laughter and washed my hands, letting the water rinse away my fears.
In those 12 hours I went on quite a journey of contemplation. I was reminded of all the times I had longed for a baby, chasing something that I had decided should happen (whether it was realistic or not). I was then reminded of seeing my sisters juggling motherhood and complaining about never having time to cover their own most basic needs like washing their baby-vomit spinkled hair or find something clean to wear amidst nonstop breast feeding and baby duties. I was reminded of the little families I've seen wandering up and down my neighbourhood, witnessing parents carry their new borns and moving from a sling to a pram until their little ones can finally manage to climb the wall that’s opposite my window all by themselves. And I was reminded of all the reasons one might want to have a child such as building a family with a loved one and feeling capable of bringing a child into the world with financial security and the ability to gift them a life with food on the table and education available. None of which I see in my own present day reality.
I was reminded of all the reasons one might want to have a child…None of which I could see in my own present day reality.
Amongst these thoughts I also dipped into the temptation of imagining a mini me. I dreamt up their little body and little head and saw their smile and imagined their spirit. I foresaw the kind of life I would raise them amongst - a colorful, creative, and playful one, giving them access to travel and education beyond the four walls of an institution. I let myself wonder at the miracle of birthing life and for a moment I thought it could be so fucking cute to have a child. But when I considered who the father was I couldn’t see it working. In fact the idea filled me with dread and I gazed out of my window pondering on what it would take for me to want to have a child.
That moment allowed me to conceptualise what a future family that I’d be confident raising a child with could look like. I sensed the core emotion - love. The driving force of a relationship that would guide me to motherhood if it calls. Not this - a minute chance of conception coming into fruition. There had been no ejaculation the last time I had sex so the only possibility was precum which I’m certain means 0.00000001% chance of pregnancy. But believe it, those little sperm can be persistent.
I mulled over the sad idea of terminating another pregnancy. The prospect of being in my forties, finally financially stable enough to have a child but then finding out I’m infertile lingered around my mind. Would I regret my decision in the long run? But in my heart I know having a child would feel like a sacrifice right now. It would put a stop on my life, I would work twice as hard but be half as happy - apart from the overriding sense of happiness from being with the spirit and soul of a child - I would slice my ambitions in half and start to compromise on my dreams so as to keep a small little human alive and kicking for 14 -18 years. I am single at the end of the day. This decision would mean putting someone else first every moment of every day and right now I am far too absorbed in myself and my ambitions to share my time like that.
And I am so grateful that I didn’t have to make any of the above decisions because my period came and I made a vow to only fuck the day before my period when, on recent sassy adventures, I learnt is THE best day for me and my vulva to be having penetrative sex. Not only is it far away from my day of ovulation, it also seems to be the day I feel the most amount of pleasure, ease and comfort from having something inside of me. Do you menstruate? Drop a comment if you can relate!
So I leave you this week with some questions around your own relationship to fertility:
What does being a parent look like to you?
How have your ideas changed regarding pregnancy and childbirth?
When was the last time you helped another parent out?
Sent with warm sassy love, as always
Bx
Honeys - do you follow me on IG @bxsassy2?
Come see the daily sass over on instagram where I am notoriously shadow-banned but enthusiastically sharing anyway! I love to see you in my comments so don’t be shy, flex those little typing muscles and join me in conversation.
